Bossypants,  daughters,  Justin Bieber,  Maddie Jane,  motherhood,  One Direction,  Parenting,  Taylor Swift,  Tina Fey

A Bad Ass Mommy Prayer

Mothers are neurotic. It’s true, from the moment we saw those two little lines, heard the first heartbeat,  held that little nugget in our arms, changed that first goddernitawful, stinky diaper and saw that first melt-you-to-your-toes smile, we we’re goners! There will always, always be somebody to think about, hurt for, fight for, be afraid for, clean all possible surfaces with bleach, twice for. Always somebody running around the playground carrying your heart with them, haphazardly leaving/dropping it on the ground every time they climb the jungle gym. Your worst fears personified and quadrupled, if you have a girl. 

Of course there’s always somebody to play with, shop with, cuddle & tickle with, be BFF’s with, listen to One Direction, Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, Maddie Jane and insanely-difficult-to-get-over Korean Pop Songs with and “seem” like you are merely supervising their choice in music.

Always, always somebody for you to love and to love you. There are people who wear their hearts on their sleeves. A mothers heart is wherever her children are.

Here’s an excerpt from Tina Fey’s autobiography Bossypants. It’s a prayer, I think, a bad ass mommy prayer. One, mothers whisper in one form or another.

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her

When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.” 

― Tina FeyBossypants

What did I say? Mothers are neurotic.

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